Tag: humor

A Little more of This and That!

Posted on by Jessica R. Patch
 

Hey all! So…this week I finished those pesky edits with a final read-through, then made my changes I’d noted. That part’s not too bad. I really love the iPad kindle app for reading my ms. It feels like such a…a…a book! 

Also, if I said, “I’m feeling a little woozy here.” Would you think of any particular movie? I need to know this in the comments.

I forgot my daughter for the 2nd time last Saturday. Band practice on Saturday is unnatural. It wasn’t a direct result of being consumed by characters upon a cruise ship. Nope. Band on Saturday is unnatural. And that is all.

We bought my son a new TV. Added a DVR box so he can watch and record shows. I’m doing everything I possibly can to keep him in his room. What else can I do? Mini-fridge? Ooooh, tha’ts not bad. Not bad at all.

Tuesday came this week. And I always know it’s Tuesday because I never fail to back right into the trash can by the street. Never. Fail. But hey, it’s better than leaving ruts in my yard. Which I do every time it rains. (Ruts don’t form on dry ground.)

I listened to my BFF vent big time this week (face to face not on text or face time) and when she finished I did what every good friend does. I laughed in her face. Isn’t that terrible??? But I couldn’t help it! Watching her flail her arms around and carry on all red-faced is hilarious. HIGH-LARIOUS. But don’t worry, I followed it up with a “I’m praying for you.” That always makes it better, right? Right? 

Oh, let’s see, hey, when you’re sprinkling laxative into your, or someone else’s drink, do you really pretend like you’re pouring iocaine powder into a drink and either going to kill someone or drink it yourself like the Dread Pirate Roberts a.k.a. Westley (Princess Bride)? No? Just me then. Hmmm…

Well then, that’s all I got!

 

So tell me a little this or 
that in your life this week!

Little This and That: #TEXTFAIL

Posted on by Jessica R. Patch
 
 
 
 
Texting. Seriously? They need to put a recall button on there so when you send heinous things on accident you can retrieve them. It would save us all a lot of embarassment but then if you’re like me and rarely get embarrassed, it would kill some laughter we may not have otherwise had that day. And we all know laughter makes a merry heart. Basically, laughing is good for us. It’s a medicine of sorts.
 
Anyway, point is, a recall button would have saved me from sending the following text to our youth pastor this past week.  
 
 
So ever had a #textfail? Let’s fill twitter today with all our #textfails. Send a snapshot or tell us in 140 characters and don’t forget the hashtag #textfail
 
Feel like getting friends on board? Share the fun on facebook/twitter and other social media sites! How fun could this be!
 
Do you get embarrassed easily? 
 

 

Working for Jesus vs. Ministering to Him

Posted on by Jessica R. Patch
Visit Jeanette! 
Welcome to Wednesday, my favorite people! I am so excited to introduce you to the sweet and hilarious, Jeanette Levellie! Jeanette is…
A spunky pastor’s wife of over thirty
years, Jeanette’s debut humorous inspirational book, Two Scoops of Grace with Chuckles on Top, released in April of 2012,
and has already become an Amazon bestseller in the humor category.
Jeanette’s bi-weekly
humor/inspirational column, God is Bigger,
has been a popular feature in the Paris Beacon News since 2001. She’s published
stories in Guideposts  and  Love is a Verb with Gary Chapman anthologies;
articles in Vista, God’s World Today, The Christian
Communicator, Birds & Blooms, Country, and Country Extra magazines; devotionals in The Upper Room, Daily Hope, Light from the Word, & Glimpses of God, greeting card verses
for Celebration Greetings, and poems
for La Leche League International calendars.  

Jeanette, thank you so much for being here. I absolutely loved this! Take it away!
When I became a Christian at age eight, I went to school the
next day and told my friends in a singsong voice, “I’m going to hea-ven and
you’re no-ot!”
I don’t recommend this method of sharing your faith. Although
my heart was right—I wanted to serve the Lord—my methods were a bit primitive. Pre-believers
need more than a taunting song from a freckle-faced kid hanging upside down on
the monkey bars to see their need for a Savior.
Since that early faux paus, I’ve honed my “sharing the
gospel” skills. I’ve also discovered that attitude is everything if I want to not
only please the Lord, but also enjoy my relationship with Him. I made that
discovery when a close friend nearly landed in jail.
Several years ago, our friend, Roger* was arrested and falsely
accused of a crime. After weeks of earnest prayer and Roger’s savings moving
from his savings account to the lawyer’s wallet, the judge lessened the
sentence from jail time to community service. I was so grateful, I wept as I
praised the Lord. Then I thought, 
“I want to do something to show my gratitude.”
I decided to take my lunch break once a week to visit a
nearby nursing home. I brought yarn to one of the patients who crocheted, ice
cream bars to the nurses’ aides, and smiles to those who’d lost theirs.
Although I often grieved when I left, knowing I was returning to my healthy life,
visiting these unfortunate people was a joy. I never associated the word “work”
in relation to these visits. I was ministering to the Lord by loving a few of
His lambs. It was a tangible way I could say “thank you” to Jesus for rescuing
Roger.
It’s too easy for us to slip into categorizing some of the
things we do—teaching Bible classes, leading worship, sharing our testimony—as
“working for the Lord” rather than “ministering to Jesus.” We tend to label our
activities as “spiritual” or “secular.” But that’s not how the Master thinks.
He says, “If you’ve done something for another human being, you’ve done it for
Me” (Matthew 25).
If we’re interested in making our lives count for Jesus, we’ll
be conscious that every floor we mop, every tip we give a waitress, and every song
we sing, ministers to the Lord. Well, with one exception. That tacky little one
I sang as I hung from the monkey bars is long gone!


Does it help you to
think in terms of ministering to Jesus as opposed to working for Him? Is there
a difference? Why or why not?

A Little This and That

Posted on by Jessica R. Patch
So, I’ve been editing a ms for the last few weeks. I’ve felt a little like this…
But mostly, it’s been fun and I still love my characters. 
I’ve been pushing my daughter to get her permit because she has to wait one full year after getting it until she can have a license. Her birthday was in November. I don’t want to drive her to school forever! 
My mom got me an apron for Christmas. And a CD in Hebrew. Wanna know what my sister got? Hand spa lotions and scrubs. Hmm… Did I mention I can’t speak Hebrew or understand it? I need the English spelling when I’m studying. Did I also mention my hands are cracked and scaly from this wintry weather? Yeah. Moving on. *Mom, I love your gifts. Really. I do. Thanks.
I’ve had some long conversations with my BFF that revolve around questions that begin with: Yeah, but like, what if…? Or But could you…? and What kind of a fungus might…? Okay, and some more serious stuff like, If I meet Jesus first, will you be jealous? And, when we’re all living on the New Earth, how are we guaranteed one on one time with Jesus. If he’ll be physical, then like, how can he be with me in a garden and you by a waterfall? So yeah, stuff like that.
I also fell in love with that egg lip loss, no it’s not made from eggs but it looks like it’s an egg. EOS or something? Anyway, I like it.
I bought green post-its. I lost a journal, not really a journal that just sounds cooler. I lost a skinny notebook. I also lost a sock. 
Oh! 
No, that’s not interesting. Okay, that’s all I got. Have a great weekend.

Your turn: Give me a little bit of your this and that. 

Where In the World is JR Patch?

Posted on by Jessica R. Patch

Last Thursday, I started a new Friday blog series. Yes, that made total sense. You will understand by reading: I’d Rather Be... 

So…yeah, I’m living it up. Wanna come? Check it:

I’m boarding this ship, but I have
some hesitations. One being what if
the power went out from an engine
fire and the toilets stopped working, then
we all had to do our business in red
biohazard bags! And we got stuck
eating wilting vegetables. It happens.
I’ve been researching for my newest novel, a
first in a proposed series set on a cruise ship.
Yeah, I’m bringing the Love Boat back, J Patch style.
Note: This (or the Love Boat) was not the ship it happened on, so…
All Aboard! 
And here is our first port of call!
You really want to be here don’t you?
Let’s drop our bags and do a little
shopping in the public markets.
Yum! Nothing like fresh island fruit.
We must take a trip down Fig Tree Drive, experiencing
the sugar mills, and lovely churches. After all, how can you
not give God glory for this amazing display of beauty!
Oh by the way, the word fig here, means banana! So you won’t
actually spot any. 
This is just one of 365 beaches on this
caribbean island. I guess you’ve come to the
same conclusion as I have. A beach for
every day, baby! White sands. The taste of sea air and…
These delicious bad boys. Who doesn’t love
coconut? Okay, whatever your poison, it’s yours.
What book are you reading? I have my Kindle so I
have hundreds to choose from. But I’m going to
need some romance to go with the steel drums
and bongos. Yes? Let’s have one more drink, shall we?
We can visit Bird Island. For
some reason it makes me think of
Cliffors the Big Red dog. Birdwell
Island. But I don’t think we’ll see any
red dogs. Not here anyway.
What we will see is fine feathered friends,
which I happen to be terrified of! Birds
freak me out! Bring umbrellas, not for rain…
but you know, bird crap! Because if you’re standing
near me, prepare to run and be pooped on. By the birds.
Okay, we are so not getting in this kayak.
It’s going to stay ashore. Why? Because one, I don’t swim well
and I saw that YouTube of the shark knocking over a kayak or at
least working to. Teasing the poor guy who’d cut his finger fishing.
Who fishes in a kayak alone in the middle of the ocean anyway?
But, if we want to get adventerous, we can swim with the Stingrays
and experience some gorgeous coral reef at Stingray City.
They say it’s safe with knowledgable trainers.
Who knows? The ship wasn’t supposed to catch on fire either
But here we are peeing in plastic bags awaiting a park full of birds
anxious to poo on our heads.

But overall, don’t you want to come? Have you figured out where I am? 



Guess in the comments and I’ll share the answer on my facebook page later today! Have you liked my facebook page yet? Why not? Now’s your chance. If you leave your guess in the comments, you will be entered into a drawing to win the grand prize of a $10.00 Amazon card at the end of the month. Each Friday, I’ll post a new spot–so you have multiple chances to win.

Also if you share this on facebook or Tweet about it, you have another chance to win!

If you guess the right place (you must guess before I reveal it on my facebook page) you’ll be entered FOUR times on top of tweets and shares! 

Where in the world am I?
Where is one place you’d love to sail away to?

photo credits: freedigital photos:
artur84
artur 84
artur 84
artur 84 
davidcastillodominici
arztsamui

I’d Rather Be…

Posted on by Jessica R. Patch
 

 I know it’s Thursday, but I have guest post  scheduled tomorrow, thus my regularly scheduled blog post today. 

Let’s all pretend it’s Friday, shall we?

So, my birthday is Sunday and it’ll probably be a fairly normal day. One: My dad will be in town, so running off for a romantic getaway with my husband is out. Don’t think I haven’t thought about just leaving him with the kids and going anyway, but I only see him twice a year so…what kind of a crappy person do you think I am? The kind that thinks about leaving. Right–but I’m not, leaving that is. I did indeed think about it.

Instead, I’ll day dream of one place I’d love to go. While there are many this is just one. Let’s go there together, shall we? In our imaginations that is. I can’t be sure I’d want to travel to this place with you. Unless, you were paying as a birthday gift and in that case, “Let’s go! I love you! BFFs 4Ever!”

 
Ireland
 

 

 
 
 

 

 
I want to visit this castle and explore it at
night with only a candle. Uh, hello, I’m
not totally crazy, I have my cell phone
flashlight for back up. But how fun would that
be? Yes. Lots of fun. And if you’re buying,
you’re invited.
 

I want to stand at this window and 
brush my hair–here’s where I get confused
because I either want to gasp as I see a sea monster, 
which can’t be Nessie because that’s Scotland. (We
could pretend this is Scotland) or I want the whole
Rapunzel scene except I don’t want some big
burly dude climing up my hair. That seems
rather painful and by the time
he made it to the top, I’d have a headache and he’d say,
“Are you serious? That’s so cliche. And you’re a writer. tsk tsk.”
And we’d get in an argument about, well, you know. Also,
this man would have to be my husband or we have another
set of issues and this is a fairytale not women’s fiction. 
Point is. I want to look out of this
window.

 

I’d like to sleep in this bed, as long as someone hasn’t
you know…died in it and the sheets are clean. I see a whole
Rumplestiltskin thing happenin with that spindle in the corner.
Are those like big riding boots beside it? They’re as tall as the bed!
And they’re facing the bed like an invisible dude is standing over it.
I just changed my mind. X the bed.

 

And I want to stand on these moors, or is it this moor…? Whichever and I want to see HeathCliff through the fog and I want him to look right at me and say, “If you ever looked at me once with what I know is in you, I would be your slave.” And I would take him up on it because that means someone else toting my luggage through the airport. And who doesn’t love Wuthering Heights? Or maybe I stand at the edge and think about jumping which plants me right into New Moon. HeathCliff or Edward Cullen? Well technically not Cullen because he’s off trying to kill himself in Italy–which is also on my list of places to travel. It’d be Jacob. I’m going with Wuthering Heights. Yeah, I know it’s not set in Ireland. This is my imagination!

 
So there you have it. What I wish I was doing on my birthday. And I had so much fun with this that I may do a Where in the World is JR Patch? on Fridays. Maybe you’ll have to guess or maybe I’ll tell you. Maybe I’ll actually work in some facts about the locations. Guess, I need to work out the details. But it sounds like fun and if not fun, blog fodder at the very least. 
 
 
Where is one place you’d like to visit and why? 
 
 

I’m So Lazy…A Top Ten

Posted on by Jessica R. Patch

Hey everyone! It’s Friday and I’m blogging, so you know what that means, right?

It’s Friday and I’m blogging.

Okay, really it means I’m back to my regular blogging schedule. Monday, Wednesday, Friday. Wednesdays are my longer blog post days because they are teaching/devotions. 

Summer is over. My daughter is now a freshman. I’m coping. Barely. My son is now in 4th grade and I can no longer help him in math. Okay, so I had a hard time with the 3rd grade math too, but…whatever. Point is: I’ve already sent a post-it to the teacher, twice, saying, “What exactly do you mean by this and can you jot down an example?” It’s true. 

I crawled onto my couch with my cup of coffee and stared out the back door, meditating on the summer and how it’s gone down. And I discovered just how flipping lazy I am. 

No really.

I am. In fact, I thought I’d break it down for you. Here are my top ten lazies:

 I’m so lazy…

 10. I text my daughter to bring me my iPad.

9. I cheer when it’s a cloudy day because I don’t have to actually use the energy to put my contacts in. 

8. I use a throw pillow to close the door when I’m in bed or at my desk, and I have terrible aim so 40% of the time I just throw a pillow out into the kitchen…then another…and another until eventually I’m out of pillows and I text my daughter to close my door–after picking up the pillows.

7. I set the coffee pot at night. Heaven forbid I have to toss in a few scoops and dig for the filter the morning of.

6. When my vacuum won’t get in the crevices by the wall or couch, I pick up the lint, Cheerios, or paper and toss it in the open area and then vacuum. Who has time to carry it to the trash? At least I’m vacuuming.

5. When the vacuum-dirt-holder-thing is full, I do not vacuum.

4. I lie in bed thirsty until my husband gets up for something and then ask him to bring me a bottle of water. (He keeps doing it so really that’s on him, right?)
 
3. I use spray lotion because it’s easier than pressing a pump and goes on lighter thus requiring less rubbing in.

2. I buy waterproof eyeliner so I don’t have to put it on the next morning when I go to the gym, because I don’t wanna be that lady–the one who puts on makeup to go to the gym.

1. And…I’m so lazy, I take my naps in the bathtub to kill two birds with one stone. Or that might be multi-tasking and saving time…Okay, scratch that.

The Real #1: I’m so lazy, I don’t let my children use the quilt on the back of the couch. I say it’s for looks, but I really just don’t want to fold it.  

And there yah have it, ladies and gents. My top ten lazies. Have a great weekend and see you on Monday when I talk about…

What’s something you do or don’t do simply because you’re
 just a lazy bum like me? 



photo credit: freedigitalphotos/Vichaya Kiatying-Angsulee

Hello, Mr. Wrong!

Posted on by Jessica R. Patch

Hey everyone! I know my photo is of a cat. I know it’s crazy as I am not a cat lover. They wig me out! But this animal has the right look. Doesn’t she? 

“Uh, don’t even strut this way with a line you think goes down as smooth as butter buttah. It’s comin up about like one of my fur balls, yah freak.” Can you see that? 

 It’s great to be back but I’m sort of not here. I’m over at Casey Herringshaw’s blog and I’m talking about Mr. Wrong.

We hear so much about Mr. Right, so  I thought I’d share with you a few deal-breakers, in my opinion, about who constitutes Mr. Wrong. I have based these 3 things on my own personal experience. 

Please don’t judge me after reading.

One other item to share: I’m revamping my summer schedule. I have a WIP (Work In Progress) to revise and a few critiques to do over the summer and I’d like to focus my attention on them.  So for the rest of summer, I’ll only post on Wednesdays.

As always, plan to experience hope! 

And of course, I reserve the right to post on Mondays and Fridays if something crops up that I feel you can’t live without reading. 🙂 

So come by Casey’s and jump in the conversation. Casey’s blog! (um…click the link!)

Tell me one quality that makes Mr. Wrong in your opinion. And you don’t have to be serious, you can be silly. In fact, please do! 

Random 101 Learn It Here

Posted on by Jessica R. Patch
 

First, let me just say if I could go back and do it all over again, I’d so sport these glasses. In fact, if I could come up with them now, I’d wear them today. Totally would. Okay…moving on.

Technically, I’m not here but I am. As in, it feels like I’m here to you because you’re reading my words. But I’m not actually here. I’m somewhere else. 

In my writing/editing cave to be exact. Well most of the day! Part of it I’m at work and…

Today is my anniversary! My husband has put up with my mess for 18 years! Talk about a hero! 
Thanks to my new Thirty One
file box and wall hanger, my
writing space is better
organized! So here’s where I really am!

But I am working on revisions. My goal is to get this joker sent out to critique partners in about three weeks. 

My kids are out of school for summer, and I’m taking a couple days off to spend with them, i.e. force them by standing over them to clean their rooms correctly. Not like they clean. Like I clean.

Do your kids do that?

“Kids, clean your rooms!”

“Like your kind of clean?” 

Is there any other way than mine? Uh…no. No there is not. We’re seeing what fits, what doesn’t and hauling anything that doesn’t to GoodWill. Then I will know if my daughter really is telling the truth when she says, “I have nothing to wear.”

And hey, talk about dedication to branding!
See how my new glasses match the circles on my banner?
Yeah, I’m that good. Truth is, it was an accident. But whatever.

Also, did I mention I’m trying to work on revisions in all this? Yeah. I thought I might have. In fact, I have a small circle of sunburn on ONE leg to prove I’ve been revising. How does this prove I’ve been revising?…well it doesn’t to you. But I know how long I sat outside reading through my ms. It’s not suspense either. It’s contemporary romance bordering romantic comedy. I say bordering because I may be the only one that finds it funny.

So I’ll be off the blogosphere until May 31st when I guest post about Mr. Wrong at Casey Herringshaw’s place. We hear so much about Mr. Right, I thought it’s high time we talk about  the tool you never married or will never marry. And you’d be surprised what sprang to mind about this after watching an episode of Hannibal. Just sayin.

So find me on facebook or twitter if you can’t live without me. And if you can, it’ll hurt my feelings. At least for a minute. 

If my back hurts, I have this treadmill desk, which is just a few pieces of wood. 
My son came running through my room the other night and my husband said, “Hey, watch out before you hit your head on your mama’s lumber yard.” Whatever. 

Would you rather walk a mile in someone else’s shoes–literally like at least two sizes too big. Or walk a mile in your own shoes (literal shoes) but walk 100 miles further than you would if you were in someone else’s shoes that were too big for your feet? Also, this walking would be done in one sitting. Well not really sitting, but you get it…don’t you? 😉