Tag: humor

Here’s What’s Going on in My Neck of the Woods

Posted on by Jessica R. Patch

Well, we’re inching up on Christmas. It went fast after Thanksgiving, didn’t it? 

I’m done shopping. I’ve wrapped pretty much everyone…well, their gifts, not them. I don’t have that much wrapping paper and what’s the point of wrapping people you know? Or people you don’t, though I’m not sure you could convince them to let you, or even hold them down long enough. 

I’ve made cookies, cinnamon spiced pecans which are crack delightful and addictive because they’re crack delightful and yummy. 

I spent the weekend in IL with my family. We opened an insane amount of gifts, ate to the point I need to make a trip to the altar to confess I am a glutton, but dang if I’m not too lazy to trudge up there. I think laziness might be wrong too. I’ll have to look into that.

I’m kind of diggin the Enya Christmas station on Pandora. What? Don’t laugh. 

Last Tuesday, I sent off my second ms (a first in an FBI series) to my agent so I’m taking the next few weeks off to spend time holiday-ing it with friends and family. I’ll pick back up after Christmas with polishing another ms (a first in a saga ) while praying she likes my second ms as much as she did the first. 

And if my crazy jacked trapezes muscles don’t get their act together and quit giving me fits, I’m stuck doing physical therapy at the first of the year. Sometimes anti-inflammatory drugs and muscle relaxers don’t work. Sigh. Any other writers have this problem? 
And I think that may be all that’s going on around here, which is not much I guess. In fact, you may have stopped reading at Enya  Christmas. I can understand. Only I can’t, because it’s pretty cool. 

I’m taking a blogging break until January 2nd, (this is where everyone begs encourages me not to and I consider it) but I’ll still be posting a devotional at Living By Grace this Wednesday, so “like” the devotional community at the right side panel (scroll down some) and don’t miss out each day as a godly woman shares the Word! Great stuff!

What’s going on in 
your neck of the woods?
Have a Merry Christmas!

What’s On Your Christmas List?

Posted on by Jessica R. Patch

My husband is the worst person to buy for when it comes to the holiday. Like seriously. The worst. I want to poke his eyes out. And it’s because he never needs anything.

But Christmas isn’t really about what we need is it? It’s about wish lists and wants. Although, we all have the grandma that buys us the plain white Hanes panties and socks, because they’re practical. Why do they do this? 

Why after hounding asking us for a list, do they chunk it, only to buy us plastic tablecloths with florescent yellow flowers on it. Why do they insist on buying us those super thick potholders that feel like astronaut gloves and won’t pick a dern thing up? 

Granny, I love you. But for the love of all that is good and holy, stick to the list! A cranberry candle isn’t hard to find! Really. It isn’t!

I digress.

Okay Christmas is really about Jesus, but I’m talking about presents today. And I want to know:

What do you want for Christmas? No, you don’t need it. No, you may not even get it. But you want it! It’s possible. So dish!

Breaking Dawn: It’s All Over the World!

Posted on by Jessica R. Patch
 

As you might know I went to the midnight showing of Breaking Dawn with one of my gal pals. It’s kind of our thing. I’m also glad we only have one more movie left as I’m not getting any younger and I poop out at 8:00 p.m. 

But I threw on my most PJ like attire, my Volturi cloak was at the Cleaner’s, and we made our way to one of the 8 screens showing the flick. We sat in our seats from 10:30 p.m. until showtime at midnight. We laughed. She ate smelly hotdogs that made me want to throw up on the Twilight moms in front of us, I ate a pretzel that had probably been over-microwaved. 

Good times.

My take on the movie? I liked it. I thought  the wolves talking through thought in the book was cool, but in the movie, it was kind of silly. But overall, I really enjoyed it.

 In fact, I went and saw it again with my husband, who yes, happens to like the movies and yes, I pray every day he doesn’t leave me for another man. I’m kidding. Not that I pray he will leave me for another man or even that he’ll leave me, I’m just saying he likes chic flicks and anything with vampires and wolves. It does annoy him that they sparkle, so I feel mildly safe. I did have to get all over some middle grade girls for flapping their gums and driving me nuts! 

“This can’t be possible,” Bella said.

“Mmmhmmm, yes it can, too,” the annoying middle grade brat said for every theater in a fifty mile radius to hear (not that I know how wide that is, it just sounds good). 

“If ya’ll don’t cut out the commentary, I’m going to go crazy on you,” said Jesse Patch as she thought, by getting the manager.

They shut up.

Earlier in the month, Hubster went to Thailand on a Missions trip and I do plan on sharing that trip with you when I can make him send me the pictures, ugh, but he did send me these because I nagged. I know guys hate it, but…it works. Although that could be grounds for leaving me for another man. 

Check this out:

 

Yep, he took these in Thailand, and yep, I hope they were for me and not him, but then, I did have to nag to get my grubby paws on them so…

 Have a great weekend! 

Did you see Breaking Dawn? What did you think?

A Most Important Question!

Posted on by Jessica R. Patch
Black Friday.

Yes or No? 

I don’t do it. I hate Black Friday, but my husband loves it and he gets up at 2 AM to sit at Wal-Mart or wherever to get the deal! Then he gets breakfast and coffee and brings it home (or back to my mom’s b/c usually we’re there for TDAY) and that is the ONLY think I like about Black Friday! 

Top 5 Things I’m Thankful For

Posted on by Jessica R. Patch
 

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! This year, I’m having it at my house with my husband’s family. Normally, I do most of the cooking (at my mom’s), but I’ve never done the Turkey. It could possibly end up like the one in Christmas Vacation and many of Tim’s family may already be practicing their “Monica” line from Friends. “Mmmm…it’s gooood.” If they take their plate in my bedroom to make a phone call…I’ll know it sucks. 

 

 

But I’m excited and I’m looking forward to, you know, amazing people with my super culinary skills. Okay, not true, but I am excited to eat. That is true. 

I love turkey smothered in mashed potatoes and savory gravy. I love yeast rolls and cornbread dressing. I love pumpkin pie! 

But that’s not what Thanksgiving is all about. I mean I guess it kinda is since they did have a big feast. 

 

So here’s my top 5 things I’m thankful for at Thanksgiving.
 

5. I’m thankful I didn’t have to grow corn or kill my own turkey or wear white paper or feather hats. Because with feather hats comes war paint and I’m out this year. And with the white hats come no make-up and um…well that ain’t  happenin! (make-up and war paint are totally different)

4. I’m thankful the dude at Kroger’s let me know if I didn’t have a Kroger card my turkey would have been $30 bucks, so I saved over $12 since he saved me. So I’m totally thankful for young punks who yawn at 7:30 in the morning but are on top of saving money for old broads like me.

3.I’m thankful I got to brag about my savings to my husband as most times, I’m trying to talk him into believing all the money I spend is for good reasons…you know like pretty stuff for my house or books. Or 10 assorted creamers and yes, I will drink all of them. Yes, I do need them all. I like making choices–or at least having choices, I don’t necessarily like making them.

 

 

2. I’m thankful no one expects me to dress up on Thanksgiving and I can wear my “eating” pants and no shoes.

And the #1 thing I’m thankful for on Thanksgiving is….

 

 

Naps! Because 1, I love naps especially on Turkey day and everyone knows it’s inevitable because of Tryptophan and 2,  it gets me out of conversations I care nothing about. Like who’s scoring a touchdown or who’s not backing the line…thus line backers, right? Right?

 

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! Gobble Gobble! 
What’s your favorite Thanksgiving dessert? And if it’s really yummy and you have a minute, share the recipe!


I know this wasn’t a devotional like I normally do on Wednesdays. If you would like to read a Thanksgiving devotional I wrote, click HERE! or click on the link to the sidebar under popular posts, What’s In Your Basket?. 

Lost On My Own Street. Literally.

Posted on by Jessica R. Patch
Bailey…need I say more?

You hope it won’t happen, but when it does  you’re faced with the reality that life will never be the same again. First, an anvil smacks your chest, then a quarter-sized knot forms in the back of your throat and flashes of horrible places materialize in your mind. You bite your lip and try to figure out a way to keep it from happening.

That’s right. The moment you realize your daughter is as directionally challenged as you are. 
Here’s how it all began…
The party foods were purchased. My house was clean and candles burning. The wood was stacked by the fire pit and I had decided to let my daughter and her friend go outside and down the street.
Let me be clear. I never let my daughter wander around the sub-division. The fact that she’s out of my sight freaks me out a little. But she just turned 13 so when she asked if they could go across the street, I thought she meant down to the stop sign and back or hanging out in front of the house.
I went on about my business. Other friends were about to arrive along with one of my BFF’s “Jane.” I texted my daughter.
“Come home. Em is going to be here soon.”
“Yes, ma’am.” 
10 minutes went by.
“B, come home!”
“Yes, ma’am.”
What I found later that happened in these moments between texts was this:
Bailey calls “Jane.”  
“Jane, can you tell me if Pintail and Windsor is close to my house?”
“Why? Where are you? Is your mom lost again?”
“Um, no, but I am.”
“Where are you?” Jane asks.
“I don’t know! That’s why I’m calling you!”
“Call your mom. I’m on the way there now. I don’t know where Pintail or Windsor is.”
Not wanting to call her mother, Bailey and her friend wander aimlessly until she spotted a man and his friend in their yard. She took another look and realized he was a teacher at her school, but not one of hers, so she walked up and asked, “Could you help me?”
“Sure, what’s up?”
“I can’t find my house.” OMG Seriously? She’s 13! I’m pretty sure I died a little when I heard this.
I can only imagine his face or thoughts at this point. “What’s your address?”
She tells him. 
“Oh, sweetie, you’re way off.” He proceeded to give her directions and apparently she took one turn more than she should. Finally she decided to call when she got this message.
“If you don’t get home ASAP, I so will ground you on your birthday and take back all your presents. Try me. I dare you.” 
My phone rang. “Mom…uh…where’s our house?”
It took a second for her words to register. 
“I’m at Pintail and Windsor.” Which she didn’t even pronounce right. It’s not Windsoar. It’s windzer. And I wasn’t exactly sure. 
“Please tell me you aren’t lost in our subdivision? Really, Bailey? I can’t leave! Guests are coming!”
“Miss Jane doesn’t know. I tried her first.” 
“Are you facing the sun or not?”
“I am now. But when I turn around I’m not.” OMG! 
“I guess I’ll have to call Cheryl and tell her to go on in the house, hopefully she’ll get here before a robber since I have to leave it unlocked. Don’t move.”
I called Cheryl. “How far are you away?”
“Oh not far.”
I explained I let my daughter and another child wander off and get lost. I’m sure she was feeling confident about leaving her granddaughter. She laughed. I didn’t miss the slight shake in it. I hung up and started looking at road signs. 
Two minutes later, they were standing on the corner (God help us not that kind of corner) waving at me like a couple of complete goofs. They were literally straight down the street.
I get to the house before Cheryl and then Jane drives up. “Where were they?”
“Down the street. Literally.”
She laughs. “Like mother like daughter.” And I remember when Jane and I got lost going back home to IL. We went 4 hours out of the way before I realized it. Yeah, I blogged about it.
Will I ever let Bailey get her license when she can’t even get herself home in our subdivision? I don’t wanna, but how long until I absolutely have to cut the apron strings? 
Her defense: “Mom, if you ever let me hang out in the subdivision I’d know my way.”
True.
But maybe not if she really is like me. 
Do you see the terrifying things about yourself in your kids?
Ever see a hint of your parents in you? 
By the way, Jane and I did survive the party thanks to locks on doors and tons of TIVO’d shows and my laptop. Starting the bonfire was interesting to say the least. I’ll have to buy more lighter fluid…




I’m a Lush…

Posted on by Jessica R. Patch

I admit it. I like to drink. Coffee. I wouldn’t say I’m a coffee connoisseurer, but I am a creamer lush. Creamer is my crack.

Right now these are the flavors that beckon me from the fridge.

Cinnamon bun
Hazelnut
French vanilla
Vanilla Caramel
Belgium Chocolate Toffee 


All of these are, of course, from Coffee-mate. 
I don’t slum it with International Delight.

But my favorite time of this fall season, is the holiday line creamers. Oldies I look forward to and new ones that tease me. 
I. Must. Have.



To get the holiday creamers I want, I’ll punch a kid in the nose, bash an elderly lady, trip a pregnant mom, and flirt with the guy that drives the cleaning Zamboni, if he’ll get me what I want. 

I’ve been known to drop the butter, spill the soy, dump the 2%  to create a diversion if the last Pumpkin latte creamer is on the line.

Here are my two favorites so far.  
I actually have 3 of the warm
cinnamon sugar cookies.
The new warm cinnamon sugar cookie is so good, I could snuggle up to it at night, if DH would make a little room in the bed, geez, selfish much? In fact, it’s so good, I might hook an IV line to my arm with it. Or marry it, if I could get away with it.
And of course, since we’re going into November. I’ll cherish my coffee and crack creamer in my holiday mug.
And when the holidays are over, I’ll be singing this song:

What say you, friend? 
What’s your holiday crack creamer of choice?  

*I really don’t trip pregnant women ,punch kids, or hurt the elderly. Flirting with the Zamboni cleaning guy…possible.

Cheap Toilet Paper: It Has Its Benefits

Posted on by Jessica R. Patch

Where I come from, we call this “TP’ing” (toilet papering). Here in the south it’s called “rolling houses”. Either way, you buy tons of cheap toilet paper and thread it through trees and bushes and anything else you can find to cover.


As a teenager, I lived for October just to TP a house. A friend. Ex boyfriend (we bring out the paraffin for that and Vaseline and feathers), could be a teacher or principal. They have it coming. You know they do.

Point is, I can remember getting together with friends and waiting for that midnight hour when we got our dark spy gear on, grabbed black trash bags and filled them with our weapons, and shoved some rolls down our shirts and pants. Running back and forth to the car took too much time. 

Sometimes, we’d walk the neighborhood, sometimes we’d drive and park down the road, depending on where we needed to go.

The excitement of getting caught and chased was just as much fun as throwing the gleaming white paper into the darkness and watching it loop magically through the trees. In fact, we hoped we’d have to run.

Laughing in a ditch for two hours while our fingers froze was a thrill. Peeling out, leaving a spray of gravel and dust was exhilarating. 

My favorite TP adventure might have been when me and two girlfriends decided to get the guy on the hill. We tortured his yard and then a dog barked. 

We froze in place, tried not to breathe hard, listened. 

The sound of a door opened. 

“Run!” 

We booked it across the yard and dove into a pile of wood and brush.  He flew across his yard. We prayed he wouldn’t see us. He scaled that dadgum pile of brush. I heard my friend, Carrie, groan. I covered my mouth not to laugh. He landed on her in his leap to further him along in his capture.

I guess with all that adrenaline racing through him, he didn’t hear her.

When he was long gone down the street, we took off the other way, hopped in the getaway car and showed up to school Monday grinning.

Funny thing about my friend we TP’d. He turned out to be a FBI agent. In fact, he’s my consult for my FBI series. I wonder if he went into that line of work because I, the ultimate villain, got away.

When I expressed that to him on the phone. He just laughed. The kind of laugh that tells me I’m dreaming and nice try, thanks for playing. 


Ah to be a teenager. Who am I kidding? I still go every year. I can’t run as fast or hard and I’m probably more cautious, staying away from windows and doors, taking the outer trees, hoping I don’t get arrested b/c Tim has informed me, “I’m not bailing you out for this, Jess, and try not to wake me up when you get home–which better be before daylight.” 

Yeah, I’ll be sure to consult the Farmer’s Almanac.

You know, it’s kind of like serial killers (not glorifying killers, people) just saying when the deed is done, you have to go back and stare at it. It’s satisfying.  And maybe, just maybe I keep a token, like a water hose nozzle from each victim. Nah, I don’t keep tokens. My junk drawers are full and I don’t have time to carve out hiding spaces. 

Have you ever rolled/TP’ed a house? Do you still? Or am I the only one with Peter Pan syndrome?

Winner Winner Chicken Dinner!

Posted on by Jessica R. Patch

Ok, so I don’t really know why I titled my post this way, I mean, I am a winner, but there really is no chicken dinner involved and it’s not about casinos and gambling. I may have possibly watched the movie 21 too many times. Whatever.

I did win an award! That makes me a winner! (and Charlie Sheen)



Thank you, Marji Laine, for awarding me the Versatile blogger award. Marji has a cool blog and she blows me away with posting EVERY SINGLE DAY! Wow! 


So here’s how this is supposed to work:


1. List 7 things that folks might not know about you. “Folks” are people, btw.


2. Pass the award on to 7 new bloggers and let them know.


3. Thank the blogger who gave it to you. (Thanks, Marji, again!)




I already have 10 things you may not know about me at the top of my page. You can click the link to read them. But I figured, I’d do 7 more, from the wonder years, just for fun.


1. My first intro to “romance” was in kindergarten. On graduation day, one of my classmates brought me roses.  I never was his girlfriend–his first intro to rejection. I kept the flowers.


2. On trips to the bathroom, in school, I would walk down the halls and slip into the janitor’s closet, pretending that I was in a scary story/film. Later I entered the janitor’s closets for completely different reasons. Get your mind out of the gutter, I needed a mop for the biology teacher.


3. I was asked by our high school principle to organize, choose, and direct the school play. He even gave me my own assembly. During my appeal to artists (lol) my ex-boyfriend spit ice chips at me from the first row of bleachers with a smug grin on his face ( and he wondered why I declined him a second chance…right away…He was after star power, of course). The play flopped and never hit the stage, but I was stellar while it lasted. *Our principal also kept a bottle of Jim Bean in his office drawer, he may have dipped into it before asking me. (And how I know that is another story)


4. I’ve seen New Kids on the Block 4 times. At one outdoor concert, I thought the “mascots” wandering around the fair were actually the New Kids dressed up. I went up to one and told him I knew who he really was and my friend took our picture. It was not a New Kid. But I have the picture anyway. That was the night I hit an owl with my car. Yes, their heads do turn all the way around. 


5. I had a crush on my sixth grade teacher, knowing he wore a toupee. What? You can’t help who you fall in love with! It looked real! 


6. In 8th grade, I tried out for cheerleading. At that time, the students voted. I couldn’t do a back-bend, so I laid on the gym floor and did the the whole push up thing. Somehow, I made the team. When I think of that, my stomach knots. I was too stupid to be embarrassed then. 


7. I rode a dirt bike and was pretty stinking awesome at it. Although, one summer while my friend was on back, I tried to show out in front of guy who was playing basketball in his driveway (he was a freshman in college, we were freshmen in high school) and wrecked in front of his house (stupid loose gravel). His mom was a nurse and made us come inside for bandaids and Neosporin. Never again. But the palms of my hands knees healed nicely. 


The real question is, why don’t I write YA? 


And now, in no particular order, I am sending this award on to bloggers I feel are versatile. They have loads to offer, make me laugh, and write about a variety of things such as parenting, devotions, missionary travels,writing, randomness, and so forth!


Ladies, you don’t have to pay it forward, but I wanted to send the award your way, regardless! 


1. Sheri Salatin at Farming with heart, writing with passion, loving with joy
2. Katie Ganshert on life and writing and the fuzzy line in between
3. Maggie Fechner at Mommy’s Always Write
4. Stacy Green at Turning the page
5. Heather Sunseri at Balance with Purpose
6. Dawn Alexander at Writing in Waiting
7. Jodie Bailey faith and fiction with a touch of southern grace

Have a great weekend, everyone!

Question (or command?): Tell me one thing about your wonder years I don’t know!