A Most Bizarre Monday

For the last eight maybe ten months, I’ve had major neck, shoulder, and back problems. Bad posture, hunching over a computer screen, lack of consistent exercise…

Then I got carpal tunnel in both hands. Seriously? I’m a writer. This isn’t going to fly.

So, a few friends at church told me about this Christian lady who does massage therapy and works wonders. 


I showed up at her place, filled out the form and a few minutes later, I’m in my birthday suit, nose to the ceiling, ready for healing. 

It’s dark, music is lightly playing in the background. She knocks. Enters. Feels around on my neck and head.

My eyes are closed. Now, I know going into this, I’m not going to be comfortable. That’s not what this massage is for. I’ve had full body massages before. This one is for working out the pain. 

I heard a glove snap.

She’s going to massage me with gloves on? That’s….different.

She stepped up to me and said, “Now I want you to open your mouth wide.”

My first thought: “Shut the front door! You want me to what?!”

Instead, I said (in a shaky voice), “Ok…” 

Do I actually say AAAAAH? Or just open wide? 

I opened wide, and she put her gloved finger along the inside of my jaw. “Now clench your teeth together and when I say ‘inhale’ open your mouth wide…inhale like a yawn or like you’re afraid.”

Oh act afraid? Honey, that won’t be hard.

“While your mouth is open wiggle your jaw, then when I say drop, relax it. Ready?”

Not so much.

But…I did it. I did it a lot. And apparently the muscles were really jammed. After an hour of her working my neck, back and yes, my mouth, I felt better than I have in months! I actually cried because I had forgotten what it was like to NOT hurt.

She also could tell I had a bunch of earaches as a child and then she put her finger in my ear and another finger in my mouth and made me do the scared-jaw-wiggle thingy. Guess what? Something ran out of my ear. At first I thought, “OMG, she’s punctured my eardrum. My ear is bleeding. My. ear. is. bleeding.

But it wasn’t.

And I feel so much better! On top of all that, she prayed with me throughout the session, which was cool and yes I marked I wanted prayer on the sheet. Who wouldn’t want prayer when it’s offered? Okay, probably lots of people, but whatever.

I also got a major buzz from sucking in so much O2. Imagine sucking in lungfuls of air like you’re terrified, wiggling your jaw, shooting your arms in the air all at these commands. Raise up, inhale, wiggle wiggle wiggle, exhale, drop. Gooood. Inhale…push up…push, wiggle, exhale, relax.

It was like Zumba for my mouth. 

After I left there, I went to the tanning bed (don’t judge) and when I came out the little girl working the counter– and I say little girl because when you wear hot pink bands on your braces, you’re a little girl--asked, “Was that floor in there dirty to you?” 

“What?!” Please tell me that bed was clean. And for the love, why don’t you just look for yourself and not freak out a customer.

“Like, I mean was it…dirty?” She was an ace at description/imagery.

I stared at her a moment, the silver and pink mouth flashing like a bar sign. “Well… it didn’t shout lewd remarks at me while I tanned.” 

She kinda grinned, not sure if I was serious or horsing around with her. Which is how I like it.

“Do you mean like stains (sweet mother!) or like lint or paper?” Because dirty can mean many things. 

“Just dirty.” Oh well, that cleared everything up.

“I think I’d notice if the floor was really filthy. Pretty sure you’re safe.” I’m not sure I had been.

“Sweet.” She beamed, cocked her head to the side and looked proud of herself. Though, I’m not sure what she was proud of? Hiding dirt? Slushy stains? Who knows!

“Yeah…sweet.” I’m sure when Spring Break is over, which is today, I’ll see the usual woman again. Only downside, I’ll be stuck listening to country music. If I wanted to hear about bars, booze, trucks, and fishing, I wouldn’t have went to the tanning bed. I’d have taken a trip to Sportsmen’s Wearhouse and eavesdropped, or called my brother. The girl did play some nice tunes. 

Then I went to work and put my foot in my mouth, but that isn’t bizarre. That’s typical.

Crazy kick-off to my Spring Break week. But I felt good. And I didn’t get any infections or rashes from the tanning bed, so…

Do you like massages–the relaxing kind? Any weird experiences?Have a great weekend, friends! 

23 thoughts on “A Most Bizarre Monday

  1. Bwahaha, oh my goodness, so much laughter!!

    I LOVE massages. I love the deep tissue kind. Feels soooo good. I go to a chiropractor once a month for massage and adjustment. My headache count went from 3 a week to 3 a month once I started doing that. Miracle!

    And yes, I judge you for going to a tanning bed. Or maybe I'm just jealous. I'm so white that going to one of those would be like paying for skin cancer. 🙁 When I was young, kids called me Casper…and now you've dredged up awful memories. *sniff* OK, I'm going to bed now.

    Happy Friday, Jess!! 😀

  2. That was awesome. I really could use that mouth-wiggly maneuver. Maybe I;ll Google it and see it I can try a DIY version of that. Great post. Smiles and giggles. Perfectly perfect.


  3. Wow, I've never heard of a mouth massage! But it's wonderful that you feel so great now!

    I've had a few massages–not like what you had–and I've come to the realization that I'm not a massage kind of gal. I'm not a facial kind of gal either. But that's another story… LOL

  4. LOL I laughed and smiled all the way through this post. You DO have a way of describing things!!
    I am not one for massages. No way, But my friend goes and she described something just like what you had and it helped her shoulders so much!
    I love my chiropractor and that's as far as it goes:)

  5. I have been waiting to hear this story all week! Glad I didn't try reading it and eating my breakfast at the same time.

    Happy to hear the mouth massage thing worked for you, but that is just odd!

    You can add me to the list of non-massage people. Like, Jennifer, I am not a facial girl either. I just don't like people I don't know touching me.

    Thanks for a great laugh this morning!

  6. lol..oh my goodness, that was funny. I have only had one massage and loved it. It was the most relaxing thing I ever did! It was with a Christian lady who prayed over me as well…I loved it!

    I haven't had another one because of the cost. Preacher's families with two in college have NO extra income to play with. 😉

  7. Oh, my goodness! That was my hoot for the day, Jess!

    I could actually feel my heart pound when you gave us the blow by blow details of your massage experience. I wondered if something crazy was going to happen, like you fell off the table or something. 🙂

    I've never had a massage, but would sooo love one!

    And I have spine issues, so I can relate to your pain. I'm glad you're feeling better!

    And, yes. I'm going to judge you. Tanning beds, not good. But that's coming from someone who's had myriad trips to the dermatologist. I've been to tanning beds some, but not for years. The main culprit was tanning in too much sunshine as a teenager. Protect that beautiful skin of yours!

  8. Hi-lar-ious! Oh my goodness. Zumba for your mouth. Love it. One of my coworkers is a professional massage therapist, so that's pretty sweet. 🙂

    Um, and the lady at the tanning place…wacko. Hehehe…

  9. Linds: I've always heard Chiros can mess you up and you keep having to go back to them. They scare me. And in my defense on the tanning beds, I haven't been in years but I had some minutes left over and thought I'd go because the heat soothes my back, neck and shoulders. When my minutes are up…so am I!

    Cat: If you find the DIY mouth wiggle therapy, fb me! LOL

    Jennifer: As far as know, no one else has had it done. Not even my friends who referred me. Just goes to show we all need worked over in different places. I sound like a thug. LOL I need to hear this facial story. I've never had a professional facial.

    Terri: I LOVE massages. The good kinds–for relaxing. Like I said to Linds, chiros scare me!

    Dawn: NON-massage person??? Oh man, I love, love, love them but haven't had one of the good kind in a few years.

    Sherrinda: I can understand. My hubby and I went once a month before we had kids but when kiddos came along, so did our relaxation!LOL This woman is very reasonable. I'm going once a week until I'm straight and then maybe once a month for maintenance. Ha!

    Cynthia: They are very relaxing. You'll want to sleep the rest of the day. If you ever get the chance to splurge, do it! When that big book advance comes in! 🙂 And refer to Linds answer for my tanning bed defense! But thank you for lovin on me this morning! 🙂

    Tagg: Does she just bring her table with her to work? Lunch break massages! Yes! Yeah, chickie, at the tanning place…15. At the most 16. Kids. Sigh.

  10. Too funny!

    I've only gotten one professional massage – it was a pregnancy one as a Valentine's gift from my hubby. LOVED it.

    LOVE your writing.

  11. I can't believe you said that to the "little girl" at the counter – except, somehow I can!

    I've never had a "professional" massage, but I've had a few awesome backrubs in my day. And might I make a suggestion to combat the cowboy music – iTunes and your headphones!

  12. OH. MY. WORD. I'M LAUGHING SO HARD I NEARLY FELL OVER!!! Hang on…let me get back in the chair and focus.

    I've never heard of that kind of massage. Wow. Birthday suit for mouth massages? Just sayin.' 🙂 I'm too ticklish to get a professional massage. It just doesn't work! I'm so glad that you feel 1,000% better. That's awesome, Fiend!

  13. Oh YES. Aren't massages absolutely the greatest thing on earth??? 🙂

    Sounds like you have an awesome therapist. Keep her. 🙂

    Hilarious about the floor and I admit….SCARY. Much scarier than the inside of your mouth massage. 🙂

  14. This is why I read your blog … it's the whole, "What will Jess write next?" experience.
    And, um, next time you go tan? Bring some Lysol. I'm just saying.
    and I love massages.
    I just had the best massage of my life–ever.
    No plastic gloves involved.
    Hot rocks and oil — yes.
    Plastic gloves–no.

  15. i have always wanted to go get a massage but have never done it.

  16. Nothing like a great massage. I never had one on my jaw or mouth. Must look into this. I have neck pain sometimes.

    Have a great weekend!

  17. I love, love massages. Reflexology is amazing. I try to have at least a regular massage every 6 weeks or so because my neck and shoulders have a lot of issues. Now, as for the jaw, I've had that done because I have TMD (because of grinding my teeth) and it works wonders.

    So glad you're feeling better!

  18. Hahaha! I can totally picture that girl. And *whew* for not getting any infections, lol.

    I've gotten relaxation massages, but nothing like what you described. That sounds crazy and awesome. And how cool that she prayed for you!

  19. Oh my goodness, I LAUGHED and LAUGHED at this post! Jessica you have such a great way of telling a story. 😉

    I once went to a homeopathic doctor to get my jaw re-aligned. Doesn't sound like fun does it?!

    My dad went back with me and the guy has me lay down on an exam board. (He left the door open, don't worry it plays a part in the story). Tells me to open my mouth and stick HALF HIS HAND in my mouth!

    And starts pushing and probing his hand all up and down my jaw. All this time he's chatting with my dad and pretty much ignoring me.

    Then ALL OF A SUDDEN, he grabs my head and JERKS it! And I heard the LOUDEST crack that should NOT come from someone's head.

    My mom heard it out in the waiting room (remember the open door).

    I didn't feel a thing. Not. A. Thing.

    Not even the second time around when I was expecting it.

    Anyway, I have no funny punch line, your story just made me think of mine. Ha! 😉

  20. Love your humor, Jessica!

    I've had blissful massages. I'd like to try a hot stone massage one of these days, but since they're a rare treat already, I'm not sure I can justify a ninety minute blissful retreat. I might get spoiled. 🙂

    (PS I have a cold and wish that lady could get the stuffiness out of MY ears…*sigh*)

  21. Wow, I'd never heard of mouth massages before. I'm glad you feel better!

  22. I'm all about massages – just don't touch my feet! If this was your Monday, I'd love to hear what the rest of your week's been like:)

  23. Wow, what an interesting experience you had! I'm glad it was a good one, though. I like relaxing massages, and have had a few. One gal who worked at my chiropractor's office did a great job; I miss her! I'd treat myself to a massage once or twice a year, to counteract my (at the time) office job. Happy St. Patrick's Day!


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