Top 5 Reasons I Do Not Belong at the Country Club

Well, I was going to blog about me and the magnolias getting down and dirty at a birthday party, but one of them lost her cord to her computer and has to get a new one, thus not able to email me pictures. 

Why didn’t I take pictures? 

I did. 

But another magnolia got sick of having pictures taken and snapped at me when I told her to lean in for one, so I have none with her in it! Thus, I will not blog without her in the  pictures, mostly because I plan to brag on how beautiful she is, but I can’t. Because she’s snarky when she’s had her fill of something!


5 Top Reasons I do not belong at the Country Club

but I am a member

5. I have to drive 20 minutes to get there and gas prices are ridiculous.

4. I do not like peeing in the public bathroom. I don’t want to sit on wet, funky toilet seats and if I squat over it, my feet slip (because rubber flip flops have no traction) and I slip, hurting myself as I fall against the side of the stall. Also, pulling up wet bathing suit bottoms is entirely too hard and I have not mastered the pull-it-to-the-side thing. 

3. We can bring food and drinks in, which means I have to bring a rolling cooler and I hate buying ice. It’s heavy and cold, and I’m paranoid I’ll get mugged or pushed inside the cavernous machine. What? It could happen! And do you trust the gas station security?

2. I don’t wear big, gaudy earrings to the pool like the Hernando Hills Housewives. I save those for the poolhall. 

1. I do not count off sweetly to my children to behave, then threaten them with no ice-cream or TV when that doesn’t work.  I holler, “If you wont iice-cream get a job and bie some, and so help me if you ain’t outa this here pewl by the tiiime I pull myself up off this louwngin chare, you’ll regret it!” And they will!

*Counting at your kids is like saying, “Okay you don’t have to mind me the first time, or the second, or the third…” Heck yes they do! (The little girl yesterday even counted the next number for her mother) My apologies if you’re a counter. Just don’t do it in front of me, because I will snicker and giggle behind your back. 🙂

So that ladies and gents, is why I do not belong at the country club, but I still go because those ladies need someone to whisper about!

Question: Where do you NOT belong?

16 thoughts on “Top 5 Reasons I Do Not Belong at the Country Club

  1. I don't belong in the city. Here's why:
    1. Street signs confuse me.
    2. I forget to look both ways before crossing the street.
    3….you know, maybe I'll blog about this. :o)
    See you on Monday with the rest of my responses.

  2. Ha! No, I'm not a counter either. My kiddo has to listen the first time around!
    Hey, you may not belong but you can get some great book and blog fodder from being there. LOL

  3. I'm not a country club gal either. I don't belong on earth. How's that one.

    I've been known to count a time or two and I'm okay if you laugh. I see it as partly a register method. I know all the reasons for not doing it. I let it sit in and if they don't get it by three, then yes, they're gonna get it. 😀

    I've tried and I stick with what works. That one sometimes works.
    ~ Wendy

  4. It is a lot of hard work to hang out for the day and swim whether club, pool, lake, or ocean. I do not belong in a big shopping mall!

  5. Oh, I'm a counter. But I only count to "One." #imameanmom #notreally 🙂

    Funny post, Jessica!!

  6. Jess, you're hilarious! And I'm further convinced that we're related somehow! No counting for me. Seems silly and unproductive. And I totally don't understand jewelry at a pool. Are they there to make a fashion statement or to swim? Strange!

  7. Funny post, Jessica! I don't like public restrooms either, unless they're super clean. Even then, I'm just waiting for the daddy long legs to drop down from the ceiling….

    I don't belong at a Better Homes and Gardens convention. Why? I can cook, but I'd much prefer to eat food that's beyond my ability to prepare. I don't sew or knit. Bugs scare me, so gardening is out of the question. And I have no aspirations whatsoever to become the next face of Betty Crocker or the Pine Sol Lady, lol.

  8. On a boat. I get queasy.

    Or at a restaurant where there are more pieces of silverware beside each plate than a cat burglar could make off with.

    I loathe the counting thing too. 🙂

  9. Fun post!

    Not the country club type either.

  10. LOLOL…Jessica…you are a hoot!

    I am writing an entire child discipline booklet and one section is devoted to counters. I have to laugh when I see parents count in fractions! Almost doubles me over! 2…2 1/2…2 3/4…lol. K…I'm done. Sorry!

  11. Hilarious post. I am so a counter! Oh no, I better get that under control.

    I don't belong in a mall:

    Nothing makes me feel older, more out-of-style, or uglier than seeing the super cute and trendy (and tiny) twenty-year-old shoppers.

  12. I laughed out loud. A lot.

  13. This was so funny!! I hate counting too and told my daughter she better not do it with my grandson!
    I don't belong in a place where I can't talk and be me!

  14. I have said the same thing about counting. Why would anyone give their child a time limit to obey. Just do it when I say.

    I am generally pretty good at morphing to whatever situation I am in. Rich or poor, city OR country, I can fit in when I need to. It is part of being a successful missionary. However, I do NOT belong outside. I am not an outdoorsman or survivalist of any kind. I like air conditioning and the lack of bugs.

  15. Hey everyone! Interesting answers! 🙂 I don't like big malls either. I prefer indoors as well.

    I love being me too. The more I blog the more I feel a little free-er(?) to do so! 🙂

  16. I'm with you, Heather. I was a counter when my kids were little, but I only counted to one. That told them I was serious. My son made me go to two, once. Never had that problem again!


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